There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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