Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
