Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
