i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize