We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
