Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
