paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
