how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize