I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
