Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I supernannyed him into submission
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
