OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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