Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He better not be in your backpack
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
