Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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