I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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