im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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