I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
