Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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