is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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