so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
