just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This is the high leading the old right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
