a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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