Jerry, you need to find god
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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