Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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