he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
