The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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