I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
