I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
