I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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