Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
