The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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