____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She told me I should be a condom model.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
