I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
