she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
