Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
