I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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