i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
