I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
