your parents love me but you hate me
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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