Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
