Soap is not a condiment
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
organizing the empties. That sober.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
