So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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