new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize