I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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