Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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