My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize