he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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