Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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