yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
