A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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