I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
