my phone needs a breathalizer
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
my liver is dry heaving
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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