batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
