We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
