Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
