i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
