apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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