I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
