I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
