Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
